Those Poor, Unfortunate Souls: Twilight Style
by HarryPotterHedgehog
Summary: Read and review. More of a punctuated numbered rant. Donke. HPH.


That Poor, Unfortunate Soul

Is obviously very, very confused. Join me as I rant. Flames will be used to roast sausages. Thanks for reading! As always, my text is the kind that is NOT IN BOLD.

**1.-it is a great read. Once you start you have to finish it.  
2.-it is one of the best series in the world so there is no point arguing  
3.-it is written well  
4.-almost every girl can relate to bella in some way because she is an average girl.  
5.-everyone either loves edward or jacob ... pointing out that everyone falls in love with the characters  
6.-there is a movie about it  
7.-the covers symbolize the books ... eg. breaking dawn... bella starts out as the pawn (the least strong/powerful person) and ends up as the queen (one of the strongest)  
8.-you can feel emphathy or sorry for the characters - they seem real  
9.-how many people bought it  
10.-it is original ...not like any other story  
11.-it is better than harry potter - im sorry to all hp fans but its true  
12.-it gets you hooked  
13. -the critics love it as well as everyone else**

Au contraire. I had to fight to finish. There are parts, like Bella's color-me-emo phase, which are unbearable. Even when I first read it, at the impressionable age of 11, I hated this part. Now, at 13 and with considerably better taste, it hurts my brain.

I'm arguing. I'm arguing right now. I don't even get how this is a reason. Because it is one of the best series in the world, that makes it a good book? Again: I argue. Come at me.

Or maybe SM's spell check was having an off day.

Yes, she is very, very average. Along with perfect in every way shape in form. If this had been written during the 40's, more men would have read it than women. Because Bella is, in essence, the steryotypical 1940's house wife. The only way I can relate is my hair color. I'm friendly, not anti social. I didn't throw myself off a cliff when my first boyfriend dumped me. I can't cook and I hate doing laundry. I'm athletic. Oh, and my first name also has an "A" in it.

I hated Edward. He was a controlling ass. Jacob was okay until he, like Edward, hit his pedophilia phase.

SO? There's a movie about HP. Does that make it better? There's a movie about _Diary of a Wimpy Kid_. Does that make it the next _Pride and Prejudice?_

So that's why there were chess pieces. I thought SM was just trying to be fancy and deep. Could someone explain New Moon and Eclipse, then? The apple was the forbidden fruit. Which I never understood anyway, because their relationship wasn't forbidden. Did any characters oppose it? Jacob did, but that excuse died when he imprinted…on Bella's baby. Mike did, but once Bella became Vamptastic! The rest of the world died because Eddie was the only thing on the planet that mattered. Charlie did, but again, by the last book, he was totally chill with it. There was also the whole "I am a vampire, so I may eat you" but after sucking out the venom from Bella, Edward says "I could never drink your blood now." Thus, their relationship is promoted on all sides.

They are the most fake characters I've ever encountered, except for maybe Barbie and Raven from _Vampire Kisses_. Edward is freaking perfect. His arms, legs, abs, back, and probably pancreas are so dazzling that if you look at him too long you'll explode. His hair, eyes, nose, throat, even his BREATH makes you want to poop rainbows. Is that realistic? No. It sounds like a Sim with cheats on it.

I don't know exact statistics, but I'm sure many, many more people bought HP among other books. Looks like they got quality _and_ quantity, unless TwiFail.

Because I've never heard the Vampire Human story. I'll admit though, the pedophilia threw an interesting twist in. Not…

No. Just no. This is an effing opinion. Give me reasons, woman!

On what? Sparkles? Maybe that's why Bella loves Edward. She was inhaling him, and some of his sparkle dust went up her nose and she got addicted. Now she does sparkles through a $1000 bill [which, according to SM, exist] 15 times a day. She wants to go to rehab but Edward won't let her.

I hate it with a fiery, undying passion. Everyone is not a good term to use when it comes to opinion.

***Thanks for reading!


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